Things to say:

“ I believe you.”
“ It’s not your fault.”
“ I’m glad you told me.”
“ I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“ I’ll help you find the help you need.”

Listen:
Listen with an open mind. Be okay with silence. Don’t judge or blame. You will find the right words when you need them.

Keep it private:
Don’t tell other people what happened without your friend’s permission. Telling just one other person breaks your friend’s trust and can start rumours and gossip. People don’t often know the damage this can do. For someone who has already been violated, having their story a talked about all over school can be devastating. Gossip and rumours are a form of sexualized violence.

Sometimes it is important to tell. Find out more about confidentiality. If you are worried about your friend’s safety, if your friend is being abused by a person in a position of trust, you need to talk to an adult that can help. Talk to a trusted adult, a crisis line or a counsellor.

Understand healing can take a long time.
Be patient with your friend. They may not react how you would expect. Your friend may be really emotional or not at all emotional. They may not talk about it at all. They may bring it up a year later. Find out more about healing to understand what your friend may be going through.

Help your friend get help.
Find out about resources for your friend. Crisis lines, assault centers, youth counselors are some places to start.

If you are worried that your friend is using drugs or alcohol or food to cope, tell them you are concerned. If your friend is suicidal, phone a crisis line to get help.

Take care of yourself:
Hearing about sexual assault can be overwhelming. It can hurt to hear how your friend was assaulted.

If it feels like too much for you to hear, tell your friend honestly and gently that you can’t help them right now but will help them find someone to talk to.

It is normal to feel upset. If you are feeling more than upset, if you are feeling angry and out of control, having disturbing dreams or feeling scared yourself, you may want to talk to someone. It will help you deal with your feelings.

When the one you love tells you they were assaulted:
If your boyfriend or girlfriend was assaulted by someone in the past either as a child or as a teen, you may feel unsure of how to help them. It may also really affect your relationship, how close and intimate you can be, and how you get along.

You may feel really confused. Your partner may have difficulty trusting you. Your partner may be uncomfortable with sex. They may “space out” when you get intimate. Or they need lots of sexual attention that doesn’t feel good to you.

You may be angry at the person who assaulted them and want revenge. While these feelings are normal and understandable, don’t act on them. Attacking someone will not help your partner. It will probably add to their stress and may also get you an assault charge. Focus your energy on supporting your partner and letting your anger out in safer ways.

Remember that you may need to talk sometime, too. Friends and partners also need support. Find a trusted adult or friend to talk to when you feel overwhelmed or don't know how to help. It is important to take care of yourself. Need to talk?

“I didn’t know what to say. I felt so mad myself. But I told her it wasn’t her fault.”

“When he told me what happened, I almost didn’t believe it. I mean, he’s a guy. But I just said that wasn’t right what happened. He was assaulted. I said I was glad he trusted me enough to tell me.”

“ My girlfriend was sexually assaulted by her ex boyfriend. Sometimes it really affects our relationship and I don't know what to do. That’s when I suggest she maybe should talk to her counsellor.”